


Without Your Heart To Hold

by mrbarbacarisi



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Episode: s17e22 Intersecting Lives, Episode: s18e07 Next Chapter, Episode: s18e13 Genes, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-04
Updated: 2017-10-04
Packaged: 2019-01-08 19:46:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12260913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrbarbacarisi/pseuds/mrbarbacarisi
Summary: Rafael knew he should end it. He knew this had gone on too long. He really should have ended it months before, but he had been too blinded by the young detective's smile. And his biceps. His intelligence. Yes, even his ass.





	Without Your Heart To Hold

Rafael knew he should end it. He knew this had gone on too long. He really should have ended it months before, but he had been too blinded by the young detective's smile. And his biceps. His intelligence. Yes, even his ass. 

If there was one positive thing to come out of the death threats, it was that the situation helped him realize the truth. Sonny was perfect in almost every way imaginable. He didn't need Rafael slowing him down. He shouldn't want to protect him. Sonny should never take a bullet for someone like Rafael. It would be a waste. He was not worthy of that kind of sacrifice. 

Unfortunately, Sonny would never see it that way. He would lay his life on the line if that meant Rafael could keep breathing. That was a fatal error. 

"I'm not worth this amount of effort, you know," Rafael said over their dinner. Sonny had taken it upon himself to become Rafael's personal security detail. He insisted that it was less invasive than having officers he didn't know follow him home. Rafael would rather have the faceless strangers. At least then the guilt wouldn't eat at him.

Sonny had waved away his comment. "That's nonsense. You're worth a lot." 

Rafael shook his head and continued eating. He should have ended their fling months ago when he noticed Sonny developing real feelings. Now, he would have to break Sonny's heart to save his life.

After they finished the meal, Rafael said the four most dreaded words in the English language.

"We need to talk."

Sonny's perfect smile melted away. "What about?"

Rafael took in a breath. "I don't think we should see each other anymore."

"Well, that'll be a little hard with work and all," Sonny joked. Trying to stop the train that was already headed for him.

"You know what I mean."

He frowned. "Um, no. I actually don't. Where is this coming from, Rafi?"

"It's coming from me. We should end this."

"End what? Our relationship?"

"Yes," Rafael said. This was worse than pulling teeth. More like yanking out fingernails. 

"Why? What changed? You were happy yesterday and _now_ you want to break up with me?"

Rafael sighed. "I'm sorry. I should have done this much earlier."

" _What?_ " Sonny spat. "When?"

"Please don't make this harder. It's better this way."

Sonny bit his lip. Tears were beginning to collect in his beautiful blue eyes. "But I-I love you."

"I know," Rafael said. That was the problem. Sonny would always pick him if he had the option. He needed to dissuade him of that choice. 

"And I thought you loved me too."

His traitorous heart said yes. Yes, he did love Sonny. This eager, optimistic detective who challenged him on case law. He had wormed his way into his heart and Rafael didn't think he would ever leave. But that wasn't the point. Love doesn't solve everything. His parents had loved each other. His mother had been constantly terrified of his father. She was never able to truly relax until he died. That was far from a happy ending.

And there would be no happy ending with Rafael. No white picket fence and 2.5 kids. Just work, stress, and unhappiness. That was not what Sonny deserved. 

"You'll find someone else who will love you," Rafael said. "You're a catch."

“ _Someone else._ Are you serious?" Sonny stood and yanked on his jacket. "I'll call for an officer to relieve me."

"Do what you have to do."

"God," he scoffed. "You're a real asshole. A big one."

Rafael nodded and watched as Sonny stormed out. He knew that. That would never change. At least now he wouldn't be the asshole that caused the death of an upstanding detective or deprived a bright young man of a happy life. 

  


* * *

  


Rafael wasn’t expecting to miss Sonny this much. The first few weeks were the hardest. He kept expecting Sonny to text, call, or to show up at his apartment. Some days, he would hold his breath and wait for the detective to walk into his office. He never did. Sonny avoided him at all costs. He didn't blame him. Even though Rafael missed seeing him, he knew the distance was for the best. Even if Rafael felt empty even seven months later.

When Sonny did see Rafael, he ended up yelling at him. Rafael didn't put up a fight. He argued back out of habit and pride, but there was no real bite to his words. Sonny was angry with him for ending their relationship — not because of his work on a case. He let him blow off steam. It was the least Rafael deserved for leading him on so long. If he didn’t respond to Sonny’s provocations, he would just leave in a huff. Even if it was an argument, Rafael would take any excuse to see him for a few extra seconds. 

Sonny had just chewed him out for not using a precedent he had suggested. It would have been excellent for a law school assignment, but Rafael knew the judge wouldn’t want to hear about a Delaware case. And so, the defense had won the motion to suppress the rapist anonymous meetings. That had put a significant dent in their case.

"I'm sorry about Carisi," Olivia said. “He’s been having a rough time recently.”

Rafael shrugged it off. No one else had known about their relationship. He hadn’t told Olivia, who was arguably his closest friend. Maybe Sonny had told Rollins, but he doubted it. They had been together for a total of six months. It had always seemed premature to formally disclose anything. Rafael was a little disheartened to see that he was still so affected by the breakup almost a year later. Sonny used to be all sunshine and rainbows. Now he was full of sadness and anger. It was touching to see that someone else had noticed. At least he had some support.

"Don't worry about it," Rafael replied. “If you think that’s bad, you should see me when I don't have any coffee."

"Oh I really hope I don't," Olivia laughed.

Rafael smiled, but it was just a reflex. He knew he had broken Sonny's heart. He hadn't been expecting to break his own. It had been shattered so many times before. He didn't even know there was something left to crack until it was too late.

  


* * *

  


Rafael didn’t find out about Tom Cole until almost three months after the standoff. Because Cole was killed on the scene, there had been no need to bring a case to his office. Olivia had told him she had shot the suspect when it had happened. However, she failed to tell him that Sonny had been in the line of fire. That is, until she casually mentioned that he was seeing a therapist.

“Wait, Liv,” Rafael ordered over the din of the bar. He was only on his second drink of the night, but his thoughts were already fuzzy. He had to make sure he heard her correctly. “Carisi is in therapy?” 

She nodded. “Yeah, after Cole had a gun aimed at his head. He tried to hide it, but he was pretty shaken up about it. So I told him to see someone.”

That couldn’t be right. Sonny in therapy? Rafael should have noticed. He had brushed off his outbursts all too easily. Irritability was a symptom of PTSD. Sonny wasn’t just upset about being dumped. There had been something darker brewing under the surface. He was supposed to love this man and he didn’t connect the dots.

Sonny had been in therapy because he had a gun held to his head. Cole could have shot him. He could have killed him. Sonny could have _died_. And it wouldn’t have been Rafael’s fault. He had been so stupid. Sonny would rush in to save anyone. He would take a bullet for anyone. It didn’t matter if he was dating them or not. If he was in love with them or not. He had broken Sonny’s heart for nothing.

“Rafael?” Olivia gently touched his shoulder. He blinked and realized he hadn’t spoken for a few solid minutes. “You okay?”

“I’m fine. I have to go.” He downed the rest of his drink in one swig and shrugged on his coat.

“What? Now?”

“Yeah. Sorry. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He threw some bills down on the table and practically ran out of the bar.

Rafael needed to see Sonny _now_. He could have died thinking Rafael didn’t care about him. He needed to correct that. He needed to tell him he _did_ care. That he loved him. 

Rafael had wasted so much time already. If Sonny had died, Rafael would have lost _almost a year_ of moments they could have spent together. He had given Sonny up because of the distant possibility that he would find someone else. But, all this time, he could have been living out all his days with Rafael. Sonny had been so happy with him. Who was he to take that away?

He needed to tell Sonny that breaking up was a mistake. That he wanted him back — if he would have him. Explaining his motivations would be painful, but he was willing to take the hit if it brought some light back into Sonny’s eyes.

A cab ride and short walk later, Rafael was standing in front of Sonny’s door. He knocked. He didn’t consider that Sonny might not be home until that second. If he wasn’t, Rafael would have to do his own detective work to find him. He was not going to let one more night pass without talking to him.

Thankfully, a few moments later, the door opened to reveal slightly sleepy Sonny. He seemed to jolt fully awake when he saw Rafael — who had forgotten that it was already almost 11 o’clock. He pushed down his guilt at disturbing Sonny. If things went well, a few minutes of lost sleep wouldn’t matter.

“Raf- Barba, what are you doing here?”

He winced at Sonny’s correction, but it only gave him further motivation to explain everything to him.

“Hey, Sonny,” he said gently. “Can I come in?”

“Why?”

“Just let me come in for a minute. I’ll explain.”

Sonny narrowed his eyes at him, but stepped aside. Rafael quickly walked over the threshold, suddenly afraid that the other man would change his mind. He waited in the entryway while Sonny closed the door.

“What is it?” He didn’t offer Rafael a seat or a drink. Rafael wasn’t looking for hospitality, but it hurt him to see Sonny so guarded.

“I- you almost died,” Rafael managed to get out after a moment. He hadn’t really given thought as to how he would begin the conversation.

“Um, no I didn’t,” Sonny said slowly. “I’m totally fine.”

“No. You did. Tom Cole.”

Sonny froze for a moment, caught in whatever horrible memory the name had dredged up. Then he relaxed, cocking his head. “You know that was three months ago, right?”

“Well, I was kept in the dark until tonight,” Rafael sighed.

“Did you come over here just to tell me that? Thanks for the concern, but I’m fine.”

“I love you,” he blurted. 

“What?”

“I love you,” Rafael repeated. “I have been in love with you for two years. If you had died, you wouldn’t have known that.”

“So you were lying before?”

“By omission. I never said that I _didn’t_ love you. But I led you to believe I didn’t care. And that is _so_ far from the truth.”

Sonny stared at him and then sighed. “I’m not getting back with you just because you feel guilty or whatever about me not dying. So you can go.” 

This was not going well. So much for a grand romantic gesture.

“I was wrong,” Rafael said.

He seemed more surprised by that admission than the love confession. Rafael almost laughed.

Sonny crossed his arms. “Yeah? About what?”

“About leaving you. I thought you would be better off without me. I thought you could find someone else who would make you happier. Who could…give you children to love.” Sonny raised his eyebrows at that. “I didn’t think you should ever sacrifice yourself just for me when you had so much to give to the world. I’m not worth that.”

Rafael forced himself not to wring his hands in the silence that followed. He could barely meet Sonny’s eyes. This was it. The moment where Sonny decided if he wanted him back. Rafael had never felt this nervous in his life.

He was not expecting a soft laugh from the other man. “Oh wow. You truly are a giant idiot.”

Rafael’s heart warmed at his smile. “Yeah. I guess so.”

“I mean, we can always adopt.”

Now, Rafael did laugh. He wanted him back. Everything would be okay. “If that’s what you want.”

Sonny crossed the two feet that separated them and wrapped his arms around Rafael. He melted into him. Rafael groaned as Sonny kissed him. He had missed this. Everything felt right with Sonny in his arms.

After a few moments, Sonny slowly pulled away. “I know I just kissed you, but I’m still really mad at you, Rafi.”

“I’m sorry,” Rafael murmured. “I’m so sorry.”

“You better make it up to me.”

“I plan to. Every single day for as long as you’ll have me.”

Sonny chuckled. “You’re such a romantic.”

“I’m overcompensating.”

“Nah. I think you’re compensating just enough.”

Rafael smirked. “Shut up and kiss me.”

Sonny did. Rafael lost himself in him. He swore to himself that he would never cause Sonny pain ever again. 

Rafael knew they were right for each other. That was all that mattered. He would never waste another second in misery when he could be happy with the man that he loved.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks goes to my best friend for reading this over before I published.
> 
> Also, check out the companion piece [Tell Me You Love Me](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12288867) from Sonny's perspective.


End file.
